What Is Demisexuality?
Have you ever heard of the sexuality called “demisexuality”?
Demisexuality is a sexual orientation where someone only experiences sexual attraction when there is a trusting relationship with the other person.
In recent years, the awareness of sexualities like asexuality, where people do not experience sexual attraction, has been slowly increasing. However, many people may still be unfamiliar with demisexuality and might say they have “never heard of it.”
In this article, we will explain “demisexuality,” while also addressing common misunderstandings and misconceptions about it.
What Does Demisexual Mean?
As mentioned earlier, demisexuality is a sexual orientation where someone may feel sexual attraction only when they have a trusting relationship with the other person.
Even people who are not demisexual might “choose not to have sex until certain conditions are met.” For example:
- After a certain amount of time has passed in the relationship
- On a special occasion like Christmas or a birthday
These are often personal or couple-based choices. However, what makes demisexuality different is the need to build a strong sense of trust before sexual attraction can even occur.
Since demisexual people experience sexual attraction less frequently, demisexuality is often seen as part of the asexual spectrum—a range between people who never feel sexual attraction (narrowly defined asexual) and those who do (allosexual).
In contrast to demisexuality, some people feel sexual attraction toward others only when there is not a deep emotional connection. As their relationship deepens, the attraction fades. This orientation is called fraysexual.
What Is Primary Sexual Attraction and Secondary Sexual Attraction?
When understanding demisexuality, a key concept is the primary vs. secondary sexual attraction model.
This model, often discussed in asexual and demisexual communities, divides an individual’s sexual attraction toward someone into two types: “primary” and “secondary.”
- Primary sexual attraction: Attraction based on instantly available surface-level information like appearance, scent, voice, or gestures.
- Secondary sexual attraction: Attraction based on information that takes time to learn. Such as a person’s personality, values, life experiences, intelligence, and sense of humor.
Demisexual people typically experience only secondary sexual attraction. However, the timing and way to feel attraction varies from person to person. Even someone who is not demisexual might find that they connect more deeply through secondary sexual attraction.
Misunderstandings and Stereotypes About Demisexuality
In recent years, the awareness of asexuality has gradually been increasing, while demisexuality is still not widely known, and many misunderstandings and prejudices remain about it. Here are some common misconceptions:
“Demisexual = Someone who is cautious about sex”
People who are demisexual are not simply “shy” or “reserved” about sex. The key point is that they “need to develop an emotional bond with someone before feeling sexual attraction.” Demisexuality is about “how sexual attraction is experienced,” and it is separate from the personal choice of “whether or not to engage in sexual activity.” Being demisexual does not necessarily limit a person’s sexual behavior, so understanding it as “someone who takes time before having sex” may not be entirely accurate.
“Demisexual people don’t experience romantic relationships”
While some demisexual people may not experience romantic attraction, not all demisexual people are the same. Some demisexual individuals do experience romantic feelings, and they may build romantic relationships. Those who do not experience romantic attraction are referred to as aromantic.
“Demisexual people don’t care about a person’s appearance”
Even Demisexual people may experience “aesthetic attraction,” which means being drawn to someone’s appearance without necessarily feeling romantic or sexual attraction. Demisexual individuals can feel this kind of attraction to someone’s looks, so it is not always true that “a person’s appearance doesn’t matter” to them.
Conclusion
In modern Japanese society, there is a strong tendency to consider experiencing sexual attraction as “normal,” and sexual and romantic attraction are often treated as one and the same thing.
In such an environment, some demisexual individuals may hear words that deny their identity, causing them to worry and wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?”
By increasing awareness and accurate understanding of the still-little-known “demisexuality,” it is possible to create a society where everyone can live true to themselves.
At Palettalk, we welcome stories and experiences from demisexual individuals. Please feel free to share yours via this form.
References
https://wiki.asexuality.org/w/index.php?title=Demisexual
https://www.asexuality.org/?q=grayarea
https://acearobu.com/what-demisexual/
Miyake Daijiro, Imatoku Haruka, Kanbayashi Mai, Nakamura Ken, The Easiest Guide to Aromantic and Asexual (Akashi Shoten, 2024)
(Translation: Jennifer Martin)